Punishment vs. Discipline: Why the Difference Matters
Understanding the distinctions between punishment and discipline can transform your approach to parenting. Often, these terms are used interchangeably, but they actually reflect different philosophies and outcomes.
Punishment
Punishment is typically about retribution–giving a penalty for an offense. It focuses on what your child has done wrong with the goal to make them feel the bigness of their mistakes.
Punishment often:
Comes from a place in us parents that holds negative emotions like anger, frustration, or being "over it",
Can tactics that may include reactive physical consequences, taking away privileges unrelated to the crime, or isolation.
Admittedly, we can relate to the emotional sensation that washes over us in the heat of the moment. Naturally we want our child to listen, understand, or be sorry, and when they're not, our reactions tempt us to punish because we believe in the moment it's easier, more efficient or effective. But calling myself out and perhaps you, too, the punishment method isn't the way to go in loving well because it's more about me than it is them. This punishment approach is more about the parent than it actually is about the child.
Discipline
"Discipline is not about controlling your child; it's about teaching them self-control." - John Gottman
Instead, discipline is about teaching and guiding. It’s both a proactive and backend approach that focuses on what you want your child to learn and how they can improve.
Discipline involves:
Proactive measures, including and consistent rules,modeling good behavior, and setting expectations in advance.
Backend follow-through on those clear expectations you've set, often done through natural consequences, logical consequences, and time-outs, and more.
Types of Discipline
Logical consequences: These should be reasonable and related to the misstepped behavior (examples include taking away allotted screen time if your child misuses time management, your child doing chores to pay you back for something intentionally broken). Misuses of time management, like having your child do chores to pay you back for something intentionally broken, are quite counterproductive and not included in logical consequences..
Intentional Time-Outs: A different heart posture from punishment via isolation, discipline-based time-outs can be a brief period where the child is given a space (even within the same room) to emotionally regulate and reflect. These time-outs are structured and consistent from one situation to the next.
Natural Consequences: Allowing your child to experience the direct result of their action, like letting the child be unprepared for a test if they refuse to study or not picking up after your child and the dog destroys their favorite toy. Natural consequences can happen with or without our parental involvement.
Overall, it's obvious that when comparing punishment versus discipline, discipline is the healthier option.
Be humble. Know that carrying out discipline isn't always our knee-jerk instinct nor is it easy. Yet remembering our desire to invest in our child's future self and wellbeing, however you hope that to look like, gives us the edge we need to parent that much more thoughtfully.
