How To End Power Struggles With Your Kid: 5 Strategies To End The Fighting

Power struggles: you vs. your kid.

There’s conflict, high emotions, and usually end in a dramatic mic drop (either for you or for them)., emotions are high, and usually end in a mic drop for you or them… The kind that is more often a win-lose rather than a kumbaya conclusion. 

In the last blog post we learned the reasons why parents engage in the power struggle with their kids. There are unique motives we have as parents - whether we are conscious of them or not. Knowing our unique reasoning brings helpful awareness and is the first step in choosing different not to step into a power struggle again.

But… what if…  say we're already in the struggle and we want out! Is it possible for them to end mid-struggle? ...dare I say, with both parent and child accepting and understanding? 

Yes.

It's hard, and not guaranteed every time, but these strategies are proven to at least help. What have you got to lose, except to your child...again?! ;) 

How To Reverse The Power Struggle Mid-Battle

Chill

Easier said than done, I know.

But if you want to be chill while in the struggle, you've got to be chill outside of it.

Practice calmness throughout your day by calling upon it, noticing yourself be calm or reminding yourself to be calm when you feel more heightened emotions that have nothing to do with your kids. That way, getting to a sense of peace will be more accessible when you actually need it in the power struggle. Everyone has their own way of getting chill, but some examples include remembering that the intensity of the feelings will pass, taking two short breaths followed by a long exhale, or keeping in mind that you want to act in a way that avoids guilt later on.  

Ask “Is it worth it?”

When your little one isn't giving up, question whether it's worth it for you to battle it out or let it go.

With so many different parenting approaches out there, and different kid personalities and characteristics, use your best judgment. But not every topic is worth you exhausting yourself over in battle. 

“This or that”

In the power struggle, change things up from a “yes or no" back and forth between you and your kid to a “this or that" choice opportunity for them.

Giving your children a sense of influence may help defuse the struggle.

As humans, we like to take control whenever we can have it, and kids aren't any different. If power is offered to a child, he/she will want to claim it!

Believe them 

“I believe you" is an incredibly powerful statement for all of us to hear, especially kids.

Kids want to be validated and heard.

They want us to know they really mean what they're trying to communicate, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to us grownups. Acknowledging their perspective and sincerity-even in their big expression-goes a long way. That need for them is the core of all the other surface level asks and wants. 

Give positive and negative reinforcement 

It takes both positive and negative reinforcement to parent well.

In loving our kids, we ought to have clear boundaries and expectations, offering positive or negative reinforcement when applicable. In attempting to exit a power struggle, you can reiterate these boundaries and consequences of which (hopefully) the child's aware. And, in the same breath, you can tell them they'll be celebrated if they're able to do so. This strategy isn't a power move from you. It’s not new information and it’s just you following up with positive reinforcement that promotes the child.

Hopefully one of these strategies, or a combination, support you and your relationship with your kid.

And remembering that a strategy may be effective one day but not the next is absolutely normal. Us parents are dynamic and ever changing, as are kids, so keep that in mind. 

Power struggles are real. Most of all, remember to have grace for yourself. We are imperfect and, as such, our solutions and interactions sometimes are prone to stumbling. 

The best strategy of all is to keep the relationship in mind. As long as you prioritize the relationship you’ve loved and shown up well. That means if you’ve made it through a successful struggle diffusion or are doing repair work with your child on the back end, you’re doing well. 

Have grace, have trust, and keep an open mind. Abandoning old ways can be difficult, especially in the heat of the moment, but doing so can help the relationship with your child and with yourself.