Parent & Child Power Struggles: Why They Are SO Common & What It Means
I engaged in a power struggle with one of my children today….And yesterday, too. And, honestly, I wouldn't doubt that it happened the day before.
Power struggles, the battleground of wills: you on one end, your child on the other.
When this happens, it’s not my best moment. Often I know it's not the best moment in real time–while it's happening–but I somehow do it anyway. These battleground of wills moments are hard to prevent when emotionally charged. Once in them they're also hard to stop.
You with me?
The size of the matter is irrelevant, even the smallest difference between the parent and child can initiate the back and forth. Sound familiar? For example, it's my eldest son complaining over screen time ending, or my daughter in an unreasonable tantrum over another cookie. Usually the same triggering and tiring process occurs: parent makes request, child pushes back, parent reinforces, child holds their ground, and so on until either parent mic drops by laying down a consequence to stop it or child wares the parent down to submission. Both outcomes stir up dysregulation and also end in those same feelings --regardless of who the “winner '' is, both the parent and the child feel uneasy or disconnected at the end – or both.
So if we know power struggles aren't the healthiest nor productive communication, why do we do it? Well, first we ought to acknowledge that maintaining a calm and composed parenthood in reality is a conscious and continuous effort. It's much simpler to react than respond.
Actually moving towards a more effective and less confrontational interaction style with our children requires that we understand some states (conscious and not) that us parents may be in when we engage in a power struggle with our kids.
Desire for Control
Though we know having control is like grabbing air (aka impossible), we strive to have it anyway. Even with today's societal push to nurture kids' individuality, there's a part of us that wants to control their behavior and choices. The reason? We want them to uphold rules, family values, or stay safe. And if not guided by way of some control, us parents are fearful our kids will make poor decisions or take bad actions. Our good desire to steer kids in the right direction may end up in a power struggle.
Fear of the Future
It scares us to think of what happens if we don't stand our ground as parents. If we lean in, we automatically give up our authority and almost guarantee our kids will assume it'll be the norm in the future. As parents we want to stay in our place of authority, and don't appreciate it (understatement) when it's challenged.
Don't Know What Else to Do
Quite frankly we may not know how to effectively communicate with our kids. Perhaps we may lack skills, strategies or experience to do anything else other than enter into a power struggle. Or, out of frustration or unsuccessful attempts at other strategies, we just find ourselves in the struggle.
Emotional Overload
We may feel personally attacked or disrespected by our kids, making it hard for us to back down from the conflict and power struggle. Sometimes we can even lose the ability to have rational thought because we're so wrapped up in how offended we are. I'm guilty of this one in particular.
Attempting To Continue Childhood
If us parents have an agenda to replicate our kids' upbringing with our personal one (to any degree), it can lead to a power struggle. If you had a strict upbringing and have similar expectations, you may not back down from conflict when they don't comply with the strictness and assert independence.
Inconsistent Parenting
It's hard to be consistent as parents, for real. But the inconsistency can lead to your kids assuming more flexibility with what they can get away with. And even if we're inconsistent, it doesn't mean we don't want consistency with our ideals (it's just hard!)....enter in the power struggle!
Total Lack of Awareness
Point blank– we may not even know how we're finding ourselves in a power struggle and why we can't get out of it. But even though we don’t realize it’s happening, there’s a call to action to know ourselves by paying closer attention to how we’re interacting with our kids.
“Recognizing the reasons behind the power struggles with your kids is the first step towards change. It requires trial and error, patience, slowing down, and a willingness to adjust our own behaviors. ”
Recognizing the reasons behind the power struggles with your kids is the first step towards change. It requires trial and error, patience, slowing down, and a willingness to adjust our own behaviors. Remember, it's not just about winning or losing the struggle but upholding, not damaging, the relationship.
Xo
