Supporting the woman within.
I just went way into the deep end - scrambling to get my three kids fed, plowing through moving boxes to find a piano cord for my oldest's lesson within minutes, another is wailing to be held and the other is having a tantrum wanting a treat. My husband walks in, happy-go-lucky telling me not to be upset. Well, I’m overwhelmed and highly dysregulated, and while I can recognize I can do better, I don’t care to. The verbal pile-on in the middle of the physical chaos was a fifteen-minute heightened disaster - an acute, but fierce one. I wanted to run away, scream at my kids, end my marriage, and quit life all at once. I cry and use profanity under my breath... but I can’t stop doing the things because I’m mom. I’m their go-to.
Then, just as quickly as the flood came, it receded. The lesson started (without with cord); my middle self soothed, which allowed me to get back in my body and meet my youngest’s needs. It wasn’t the first time and won’t be the last time that happens. Not proud of how it went down, I run a checklist through my head - did I emotionally hurt my children? Do I need to repair it? What can I explain to them? I wonder whether this moment will impact them or us a decade down the road.
I have a choice right then to shame or support myself. One keeps me in a negative cycle that brings about loneliness, hopelessness, and punishment. The other offers redemption, encouragement, and a way forward to who I’m designed to be. I chose to tell myself I handled the situation better than the last, but still not ‘great’ (I’m still working on self-talk). Keyword, I CHOSE to tell myself. As it is not natural for moms to let go so easily, it’s not my natural response to forgive myself and release. Nonetheless, it has to be chosen, not excusing but rather keeping one's potential, one-of-a-kind design, in mind. We’ve got to choose that more than choosing anything else. Because that gives us room to love our kids well.
I see you in the mayhem. I relate to you in the engulfing emotions. I’m with you in the worry and analyzing that happens after. Join me in CHOOSING to support the woman within.
