Mom Guilt
Mom guilt is very real. It seems silly outside looking in—something you tell yourself you won't have, that you'll be the exception to the rule. But as instantaneously as your babe is born, guilt appears. Like they're a packaged deal. And as time and mothering experience compounds, you realize you're not as different as you thought—your intention to juggle parenting and personal identity guilt-free is well-meaning...but so far from reality. Guilt gets its stronghold.
Despite often trying to talk ourselves out of feeling guilty, failed attempts to eradicate leads us to permanently accepting the guilt. Us mamas more easily accept it because it's universal, it’s known to be a normalized part of motherhood. In a way, guilt's an ongoing experience of solidarity--no matter a mama's life stage, all of us hear that uneasy, distinct internal voice. A voice that says we're not offering enough, being enough, and sacrificing enough for our babies.
Guilt manifests differently and is a sliding scale of intensity. Like darts, guilt aims for and hits a bullseye, the personal place we're most vulnerable. But the guilt can land anywhere on the board--in any area of life--and still count. Personal career pursuit, choosing self care, deficit of quality time or ____(fill in the blank of an indefinite number of things). But these arenas whittle down to a common denominator: the deep want to meet our children’s most fundamental need to be loved. We so desire for our babies never to question their security in our love.
What makes mom guilt that much more complicated is that it doesn't stay between mamas and their babies. We mamas don't have guilt solely based on our demerits. The mama guilt is way bigger than us—we also carry mom guilt for the relationships our babies have with the world. Our children's friendships, their interactions and experiences. The stuff that's out of our control. We feel responsible for how it impacts them. We carry mom guilt that sometimes has nothing to do with us, replaying the would've, should've, could've in our heads and we hold the outcomes in our hearts.
It's illogical the way we self-burden with layer upon layer of heavy mom guilt. It doesn't serve us. The more guilt we have doesn't make us better mamas—it doesn't mean we care more than others with less, and it doesn't indicate closer relationship.
Guilt does however have one positive purpose in motherhood: It reminds us that we're imperfect living in an imperfect world. The good thing--no, the great thing--is the soulful rest us mamas can have if we lean into the truth that we make the most out of our imperfections. Ironically it's us falling short that brings comfort in our mothering because perfection wasn't made to be achieved. It's impossible.
Mamas, although we know no one's perfect, we still chase after perfection. In one way or many, small ways or big, we strive to be perfect because it signals we have our sh*t together, we‘ve stopped bad generational cycles, or sealed our children's fates in health and happiness. The noble intention I myself and other mamas have is good--the posture to mother "well" is both responsibility and privilege. However if not careful we can idolize loving well, making it more about us than our babies. It becomes harder to hold ourselves accountable to the truth of our design--we can't do or be all. And then we're left with prideful frustration instead of vulnerable humility.
Of course we have mom guilt—it was built into us. As women. As people. It’s a natural consequence of our imperfection. We are predisposed to have guilt and motherhood simply brings it to light. We'll never be absolutely free from mom guilt, but it's a little less painful and a little more bearable when we truly accept our limitations. So when your mom guilt inevitably flares, remember you're perfecting imperfection.
Xo.
