Are you different than the mom you thought you'd be?
the I’m different than the mom I thought I’d be. In preparation for being a mom, starting as a cliché girl playing house, I drummed up a vision of what mothering would look like and what my relationship with my kids would look like. I had decades to perfect that vision, that idealization. Decades of time compounding a vision that embodied who I dreamed of being, what my kids would be like, and how our family would run. Good and beautiful intention. As with anything the things you tell yourself become beliefs, for better and worse. My good and beautiful intention became a good and beautiful belief that set me up for a surprisingly grieving reality. Let me explain, and I bet you can relate.
First off, the mother I thought I’d be is a ridiculously long set of guidelines, preferences, and behaviors I was convinced wouldn’t be easy, but do-able. With hard work and divine intervention I believed I’d be nothing short of the following: Spontaneous, high energy, fluent in child development, supreme conflict-resolution-er, nonstop active, hobby-er, not a projector of my feelings, playground monster, teacher, room parent, mind reader (because I’d know my kids better than anyone), love language master, selfless do-er, spiritual steward, biggest fan, grace offerer, constructive disciplinarian, consistency maker and sustainer…and on and on. All put together was the recipe to ‘successful’ motherhood and healthy kids. A wide vision that evolved into the narrow belief that I must become ‘her’. Or else.
Fast forward to the present three kids deep, talking with moms similar to me. Moms who are grieving their own vision and reality. The reality, a mismatch of what they’d hoped and planned, and what is. A mismatch not totally different but different enough to make them question where they got off course or how they’re falling short. Enter grief. The grief comes even if so close, because moms still feel so far. The logic of how tough motherhood doesn’t carry as much weight compared to heavy pieces of fragmented vision.
Take heart the vision is often different than reality. The mismatch is common. Not because we’re not enough or any other horrible lie we tell ourselves. We cast a vision of how we’ll be as a mother without having met her. We don’t yet know what personality traits and values will emerge or subdue; we haven’t yet understood how we put on that new identity. Not in a spirit of cynicism rather honest admission: With experience, time, and personal evolution we may grieve over our mothering. But doesn’t represent failure so much as a letting go of old beliefs to find freedom in new ones. Beliefs that are from who you authentically are and not this image of who you think you should be. And within that authenticity is great potential to blow that initial vision out of the water. Motherhood isn’t about me nor is it about you. It’s not about the ‘her’ any of us have to become. It’s about our kids thriving from getting the best of our authentic, healthy selves.
Xo.
