Is “Mom Rage” Real? The Actual Emotions Behind Your “Mom Rage”
“Mom rage” - it's a thing.
Our current generation of mothers is commonly associated with anger. We are flooded with self help resources aplenty about how big a problem it is and how to manage it. And while anger isn't something we're necessarily proud of, it doesn't come from nowhere. Anger should never be justified in yelling and outbursts, but it's a more complex emotion in which non-moms lack understanding. Why? Anger serves as a secondary emotion – it’s an emotional front we use to cover up other vulnerable feelings.
“Anger does not define you, it merely hides the true emotions awaiting discovery.”
And as moms, we have many vulnerable feelings that our lifestyles, time, responsibilities and demands don't really make room for. Much like an iceberg, the part that’s above the water and easiest to see (and in turn feel) is anger -- the emotion most people associate with conflict or external expression. But just beneath the surface are other emotions that are often overlooked or pushed down, driving the anger that lurks below the surface. Feelings like loneliness, fear, sadness, guilt, regret, shame, helplessness and powerlessness. And because these feelings can be vulnerable to share, we cover them up with anger.
I work from home. Maybe we all can relate to this, especially with the past few years.
Working from home can sometimes be a tricky privilege. For example, I can see a client while two of my kids bang on my door demanding and whining. They know the rules; they know Dad's in the other room; they know because they've been helpful before. Yet they still bang. I finish session and come out angry -- full on upset. I’m having little grace that they're children and even less patience with their reasoning. And am just plain pissed at my husband for what I perceived to be ignorance. Sure the feeling is angry, but below the surface is the tiredness of fighting for space to do my craft well and a general feeling of disrespect. It wasn't personal, but it felt personal. I felt-ironically-undervalued.
“But, there is a way through the anger. By becoming aware of these uncomfortable deeper feelings, I was able to diffuse the anger. ”
As a masking emotion, anger signals our body's in a state of threat (which could either be fight or flight; freeze or fawn). The emotions behind it, like the undervaluing, disrespect and tiredness I felt, put my body in a physiological state that I wasn't safe. My body felt threatened and attacked. And, as a result, my body went to a primal response, anger, to more clearly represent complicated feelings.
What feelings can live underneath that anger? We have a myriad of emotions, capable of a variety of emotions in varying degrees just because everyday we must step into big roles. And the roles come with responsibilities and expectations that impact us.
Why anger? Our body can choose to express anger because it feels less vulnerable, and anger can feel more empowering. Anger is a way for us to take control, while alternative feelings may make us feel weaker and less assertive. Thus anger can also be called a defense mechanism, helping us express ourselves in a way we'll be heard. In motherhood, anger comes to our rescue in this way (or so we think) in acute scenarios. But mothers aren't angry at our core, it's just a survival tool in action--a way of getting through the threat to feel safe.
So next time anger surfaces consider the iceberg.
Consider the expectations and pressures of motherhood.
Consider you may not actually be getting what you want or need for yourself or your children.
Consider the immense fatigue and burn out you may be feeling.
Consider.
And then know that identifying and accepting these emotions is crucial to you ultimately managing the anger that presents.
The goal is not to suppress the anger, but to understand its origin. In doing that we become more known to self. And next is to step into wellness by doing something about it... but…. that's for another entry.
Xo.
