What are you scared of?

Updated: Feb 18, 2023

Humor me: Close your eyes, take a deep breath, focus inward. Then envision your child(ren). Ask yourself what you’re scared of. What’s the answer?

Perhaps fear steps forward obviously in your conscious mind in any given day; perhaps not so much. Yet the common thread is that the fear does inspire us — sometimes priming how we interact with our child(ren) and how we love our child(ren). Not that I want fear for you or even myself, it does serve an interim purpose in motivating us to break cycles and do better. And because we’re human, we can’t help but have fear of something. It’s interwoven within us. Whatever the fear, we must recognize that while it most likely spawns from our past, the fear is not who we are.

There's an importance in distinguishing the fear from your identity. You are not fear. Your fear can motivate you, but let it not imprison you. A fine line, for sure. Especially when you’re not conscious of what it is you’re fearful.

Honest talk, I often live in fear. It’s something I’m working on in my own therapy. It hasn’t been until the past year I’ve come to the realization that much of what I do and don’t do stem from a place of fear. Fear of a lack of secure attachment with my sons and daughter; fear of breaking down walls or putting them up. Fear of not caring for clients well. And so on. Displayed in different ways in different life areas, the fulcrum for me is fear of rejection. It’s petrifying. Makes total sense given my story. While the fear helped me survive--and dare I say 'thrive'--in some ways by inspiring me to compartmentalize and overcompensate, I don’t want fear to own me. Not like it has. And because of my belief system I ought not to live in fear. That’s what I’m working so hard on now.

I once heard a quote that said as we grow up we think we’re moving farther away from our childhood ‘stuff’ but really we just get closer to it. I’ve found this to be insanely true, thanks to motherhood. Motherhood spotlights your flaws, your insecurities, and yes, your fears. I could argue I needed motherhood for me to know what my fears are—to experience my little people, seeing how I naturally love them in part from a place of fear from my story. And I needed motherhood to reveal the magnitude of importance of me changing that.

Surely I’m not alone. Surely there’s some wrestling inside you that feels hesitation or worry that you call fear or are now considering to be. Maybe you're not scared of anything, particularly in mothering. But I'm calling your bluff. Because you have a story of where you came from, you have an idea of where you're going. And some sort of fear often lives in the space between that direction and your footsteps.

But take heart--we're all scared of something. I challenge you to be honest about it, or search for it through internal exploration. We can only change what's in the conscious mind, so bringing fear to light is a necessary first step. Then talk about it. Whenever, however you can. Fear can only be so dark when when we uplift the light in each other. It's not an easy fix, ridding our fear. But I see my clients and myself chisel away at it, and surely that's something. And that's something for you, too.

Now close your eyes again. Take another deep breath. Focus inward one more time. Envision your children and the life in which you have influence over fear, rather it over you.

Go after that life. Go after who you're meant to be.

Xo.