Self-Respect & Child Respect: It's Not On Demand
Updated: May 8, 2023
Dinner’s about to be on the table and I yell for my kids to come sit down. I call for them once as I pile plates with my best attempt. Then I call for them again while catching my breath between cooling blows. Obvious frustration, I call a third time. Met with silence, totally ignoring me. Right then emotion overtakes. This time with a raised voice and threat. Corralling my toddlers isn’t often my finest moment. Without fail, every time I react like their defiance is new. I’m certifiably insane approaching it always the same and expecting a different result. A combination of my continued barking and their appeasement, they eventually get to the table. But by then I feel defeated, frustrated, and dumbfounded–it takes so much for such a little ask.
Maybe they didn’t hear me, were too busy in their play world, or weren't hungry. Development certainly plays its part. But knowing I’m not alone in my feeling alone, that this is a shared battle cry, let’s name it for what it also is–a bit of disrespect. My kids disrespect me. And I bet you can relate.
Yes, we don’t want the food to get cold, but the want for them to come when we call is more about us than it is them. Our state of emotional dysregulation–our mounting irritation, directness, and perhaps harsh tone–comes from a deeper place of wanting to be respected. In that climatic emotion the line is blurred between desiring our needs to be met and those of our child.
Parent-child culture subscribes to the notion kids must respect parents, at all times, no matter what. The hiccup, though, is us parents think we can demand respect. But we can’t. True respect is relational– it’s obtained through safety, connection and trust. It’s not hollow. We need not demand it but rather invite it. From that framework, it makes sense why they, at times, have trouble respecting me – I didn’t meet a need or a healthy desire that day; there was an imbalance somehow; something was off.
It’s interesting, then, to consider self-respect. If a child could automatically respect us, likewise us adults would choose to have instantaneous, abundant self-respect. But just as a parent to a child, earning whole-hearted self-respect isn't easy. Being in a relationship with yourself that cultivates safety, connection and trust is actually pretty hard. Showing up consistently for yourself, meeting your own healthy, emotional needs, and setting personal boundaries contribute to our self-respect. It’s an evolving journey to which we dedicate time and practice. The respect we’re after is a heart issue–we cannot obey our way to full respect with ourselves and each other. psychotherapy
The charge is to consider respect through a relational framework. When we inevitably fail to meet a need or desire, let us find ourselves in relentless perseverance to try again on behalf of ourselves and our child. May we be reminded that respect isn’t guaranteed, but rather achieved through an invitation to connect to ourselves and our child. It's attunement, the awareness of where exactly we are and they are. It's a process. And maybe you, like me, can remember that at dinner time.
