What does it mean when you call a child strong-willed? On the surface, it’s not exactly a compliment. It calls to mind frustrating experiences trying to manage your kid’s impatience, bossiness, and desire to be “right.” Plenty of folks use the word “difficult” interchangeably with “strong-willed.” But, in all of the above, parents might be contributing to an overly negative perception.

A strong-willed child is typically spirited and independent. When they display a short temper or entitlement, yes, it must be addressed. However, the goal is not to break them — or yourself. A strong-willed child follows their own heart, and this must be fostered.

Understanding a Strong-Willed Child

It’s challenging to raise a child who stubbornly wants things their way. Yet, when viewed from a different angle, witnessing and nurturing their sense of integrity is a blessing. Therefore, to begin with, try reframing your point of view. Consider that your strong-willed child:

Makes the most out of each day
Is a self-starter
Will question norms but often discover new and better paths
Always wants to know “why?”
Wants to learn and grow in ways that feel best for them
Is a natural leader
Has an abundance of energy, enthusiasm, and perseverance

None of this is to downplay the struggles nor to suggest you back off and let your child do as they please. Rather, it’s a suggestion that how you see the situation determines whether it’s a “problem” or an “opportunity.”

parents sitting in the grass smiling at their children who are sitting on their laps

5 Tips for Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child

1. Get An Early Start With Creating Routines

Children, in general, adhere to established rhythms. Hence, you must run a disciplined home and lead by example. Your strong-willed child is likely to feel bossed around more often than other kids. But it helps when they see everyone else toeing the line.

2. You Don’t Always Have to “Win”

More often than not, the idea is to find peaceful resolutions. This can sometimes mean you and your child continue to disagree with each other but have agreed to respect each other’s viewpoints. As the parent, you have the deciding vote but you can teach them that even when people disagree, they can still love each other.

3. Establish Credibility

If you make a mistake or forget a promise, own up to it. By doing so, you demonstrate what mature behavior looks like and you develop mutual trust.

4. Offer Choices

Strong-willed or not, no child appreciates an order. If they are particularly independent, the trick is to offer them some control. For example, when a child insists on something, give them a choice. Tell them they can have it if they agree to not ask for it again in a similar situation. They get to make a decision, you avoid an argument, and you have a bargaining chip if this happens again.

5. Give Them Room to Safely Fail

The weather is turning cooler, but your spirited child wants to wear a light jacket because they like how it looks. Let them have their way, and when they feel chilly, they’ll understand the consequences. Of course, this practice has its limits, but when done judiciously, that strong-willed child of yours gets a useful lesson in cause and effect.

Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child is Not Easy

Even with the paradigm shift suggested above, this scenario creates moments of sheer exasperation. This doesn’t make you a bad or “mean” parent. Rather, it means you could use some support and guidance. When a spirited child pushes you beyond your limits, I invite you to ask for help. Let’s connect to start discussing the possibilities and options for child therapy.

Tips for Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child